


you took my breath but i survived

by isengard



Category: IDOLiSH7 (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Underage Drinking, Unresolved Sexual Tension, brocon so powerful it brought me out of a 1 year fic hiatus, i guess it just be like that sometimes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-19
Updated: 2018-07-19
Packaged: 2019-06-12 21:46:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15349428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/isengard/pseuds/isengard
Summary: He’s cute, Tenn thinks, without meaning to.  His mind is in turmoil, the things he usually keeps boxed up are leaking through.My cute little brother.This was a bad idea.  He knows, now, he shouldn’t have come here.  He’ll just have to say his piece as quickly as possible and then make his excuses.





	you took my breath but i survived

**Author's Note:**

> i was reading [chapter 5 of part 2](http://seigyokus.tumblr.com/post/143925981522) which really wrecked me by the way and i just couldn't get this idea out of my head. it might make more sense if you've read it, but i don't think it's necessary.

This is probably a bad idea.

Tenn’s been doing mental gymnastics all evening, trying to justify to himself why he’s here. At the store, buying the puddings to placate Yotsuba, on his way to the dorm from the convenience store, in the dozen or so steps it took to get from the entryway to Riku’s door. It’s for IDOLISH7’s sake, he tells himself. For their fans’ sake. It’s for the sake of professionalism in their industry, the expectations of idols everywhere. It’s for Riku’s sake, the sake of his health and welfare. 

That one, he can almost convince himself of.

It _was_ for Riku’s sake, when he walked away all those years ago, the only reason he was able to do it in the first place. It’s been for Riku’s sake this whole time, buried under the layers and layers of lies he tells himself, tells everyone every day. At some point, he’d started to believe them. Memory is funny that way - Tenn’s compartmentalized his childhood so thoroughly that his past self seems like a stranger to him now. There’s no one to tell him differently - his members don’t know, and Kujou’s view of him is too warped to be reliable. He’d thought he’d left that person behind, the person who did things for Riku’s sake. But here he is.

It’s a good justification, he thinks, an unassailable defense for why he’s bribing Riku’s members to tell him where his brother’s room is. It’s not something his fans would want to hear, but it’s noble enough. Tenn still has pictures of Riku from when they were children, just a few that he keeps in a drawer, but he takes them out from time to time to remind himself how far he’s come. He’s never looked back once, not even when Riku was hospitalized over and over again, not even when it tore his heart to pieces. All of that, surely, was for Riku’s sake, and justly so, since Riku is still exactly the same person that Tenn remembers.

And yet….he isn’t.

For all the distance Tenn had thought he’d achieved, seeing Riku in person has made short work of it. He could’ve never imagined he’d meet Riku in these circumstances, never dreamed that Riku would seek him out like this, challenge him like this, crawl back under his skin like a persistent itch he’d trained himself not to feel. His past self probably would have known, probably would’ve expected Riku to climb up to him the way that he has. Tenn isn’t that person anymore, so he can’t say. Maybe that person would know what to do with the desperate longing that’s been seizing his heart, would understand the desire he’d been suppressing as exhaustively as he can. Maybe that person would recognize that this _isn’t_ all for Riku’s sake, not really, that it hasn’t been, not for years.

Tenn isn’t that person, though, and this _is_ for Riku’s sake. Maybe for his sake, too, because Riku is weak, and if Tenn lets that weakness get to him any more than it already has, all of this will have been for nothing.

 _Liar_ , a small voice says from the depths of his mind. He knows the voice, but he silences it. After all, he’s not that person anymore.

Still, this is probably a bad idea.

He composes himself, and knocks on the door.

“Don’t want any dinner,” a voice calls out, oddly tenored. It’s Riku, but it’s not a Riku Tenn is at all familiar with.

He knocks again.

“I said, I don’t want any right now….’m watching a show,” Riku says, and now Tenn is certain, he’s slurring his words. Surely, he can’t have been drinking...is he _crying_?

Riku says, “ _Liar_ ,” and Tenn hears a muted crash, followed by a series of mumbles he can’t quite make out.

Apprehensively, he pushes open the door and lets himself in.

The sight that greets him is nothing short of alarming. The TV is on - Tenn recognizes himself, the hosting gig TRIGGER filmed last week. He’d forgotten it was airing tonight. The room is neat, for the most part, Riku’s bed is made even as he lounges on it in his sweatpants and tank top, and the only notable mess is the two beer cans on the floor, one of which is lolling about beneath the television, as though it was recently hurled there by some violent provocation.

 _Riku threw that_ , he realizes. _At me_.

Riku is _drunk_.

Riku is....staring at him, as though he can’t believe his eyes.

“Tenn...nii?”

“Riku.” Tenn can’t keep the disdain out of his voice. He closes the door behind him. “What on earth - ”

“Am I dreaming?” Riku asks. His eyes are wide and unfocused as he looks from Tenn to the Tenn on the television. “How are you…”

“You’re not dreaming, you’re drunk,” Tenn says sharply. He’s astonished. _Riku_ , of all people, drinking alcohol while underage. “Where in the world did you get beer? Did one of your members give it to you? Of all the irresponsible - ”

“No one gave it to me,” Riku scowls. His eyes finally seem to land on Tenn’s face. “I...um, I found it.”

Tenn stares at him. “You found it.”

“I found it...in...Yamato’s room. I borrowed it.”

Tenn can feel frustration welling up inside him. To think he came all this way, grappled so arduously with his own thoughts, wrung his hands over whether or not to turn back every step of the way, only to find his brother acting like a common delinquent in his company-owned dormitory.

“Unbelievable,” he snaps. “I can’t believe I was worried about you - is this what you do? Is this how IDOLISH7 conducts themselves behind closed doors?” 

“Tenn-nii - ”

“No wonder you can’t get your footing, have you even considered what this could do your _health_ , let alone your career?!”

“ _Tenn-nii_ ,” Riku groans. “I’m fine, shut up for a second. I’ve seriously never done this before in my life.”

Tenn pauses, momentarily stunned into silence by Riku’s uncharacteristic candor.

“And I never will again, I _swear_ ,” Riku continues, slouching back onto the bed. “Especially if it makes me dream about Tenn-nii lecturing me. Ugh.”

Tenn clears his throat impatiently. “Riku,” he says. “This isn’t a dream. I’m really here.”

“I was just curious,” Riku says, scrubbing at his face. “Adults really like alcohol, don’t they? But I can’t understand _why_ , it doesn’t even taste good.”

And just like that, as quickly as it came, Tenn’s anger evaporates. Riku is himself, after all. Relief tugs at his heart, and distantly, another piece of his resolve starts to crumble.

“Riku,” he laughs. “You’re still such an idiot.”

Riku looks at him and blinks, slowly. “Tenn-nii,” he repeats. “Wait, you’re really here? For real?”

Tenn sighs. “Yes, I’m real.”

“To see me?”

His voice is so tentatively hopeful, as though he’s afraid to believe it. _And why shouldn’t he be_ , Tenn thinks. Anyone else would be angry, or maybe even indifferent. Anyone else would have stopped trusting him long ago.

Riku is Riku, and standing here, looking at him with his hair in a mess and his shoulders sun-kissed and his too-big shirt rucked up haphazardly around his hips, Tenn feels his heart tear into pieces all over again.

“Obviously,” he replies. His head is swimming with emotion, but his voice betrays none of it.

Riku lights up like the sun itself, glowing and brilliant with a force exuding from him like gravity, a force even Tenn can’t resist at this short distance, in those closed quarters. He lets himself be drawn towards the bed, next to his brother as naturally as if the last eight years had never happened.

“Tenn-nii,” Riku breathes. “Really...I’m not dreaming?”

“Are you taking care of yourself, Riku?” Tenn asks. “Besides this isolated drinking incident, which will _never_ repeat itself?”

Riku nods. “I am!” he says brightly. He cocks his head sideways. “Hey, did you somehow _know_ I was drinking? You did, didn’t you?”

“Riku, how could I possibly have known that.”

Riku leans in conspiratorially, and Tenn only just has the presence of mind to turn his ear to listen. “Because we’re _connected_ , you know...me and Tenn-nii. He always knows where I am.”

Inexplicably, Tenn feels a long-buried sorrow dig its claws into his ribs. “Riku,” he says, uncertain.

A warm palm covers the side of his neck. “Tenn-nii.”

Tenn jerks backward. Riku is close - too close, he registers belatedly, gazing at him like he’s looking for something; whatever it is Tenn can’t fathom. His heartbeat is erratic in his chest, there are feelings blazing to life inside him that he’s never even permitted himself to acknowledge. _This isn’t why I came here_ , he thinks, panicked, conscious that he’s lost control in this situation. _Remember what you’re here for, Kujou Tenn. Remember who you are_.

He swallows, composes himself. “Are you done? I told you, I’m not a figment of your imagination. We’re not ‘connected’, I just came here to talk to you for a little while.”

It’s amazing, how easy it is to lie, even with blood pounding in his ears and fear swimming through his veins. No wonder he can’t remember what the truth is anymore.

Riku pouts. “You’re no fun,” he says. “Fine, what did you want to talk to me about?”

 _He’s cute_ , Tenn thinks, without meaning to. His mind is in turmoil, the things he usually keeps boxed up are leaking through. _My cute little brother_.

This was a bad idea. He knows, now, he shouldn’t have come here. He’ll just have to say his piece as quickly as possible and then make his excuses.

“Riku,” he begins. “Do you have anyone that you like?”

Riku looks taken aback. “Tenn-nii…” he mumbles, fidgeting with his pillowcase. “Why...would you ask me something like that?”

The blush on his cheeks feels like a physical burn to Tenn’s heart. _Beautiful_ \- another slip. He ruthlessly pushes it down. This part, he did rehearse, at least.

“The person you like,” he says, “How would you feel if you couldn’t see them very often?”

Riku keeps his eyes averted. “Lonely,” he replies. “It’s so lonely.”

Another wave of desperate yearning crashes through Tenn’s chest, but he’s equal to it. “What if, after being apart for a while, you made plans with them and they didn’t show up? How would that make you feel?”

“Hurt,” Riku says. “Really sad, and hurt.”

“Exactly,” Tenn nods. “That’s how your fans feel, Riku, when you break promises to them. They feel hurt, and sad, and - ”

“You know how I felt, when I couldn’t see the person I love, Tenn-nii?”

Riku’s eyes are watery. Tenn falters. “What? No, Riku - ”

“It broke my heart,” Riku says. “I cried for months, did you know that?”

“Riku, it’s a metaphor - ”

“Why did you leave us? You promised you’d tell me, right?” Riku is closer than ever, sitting up facing him directly, barely a hand’s breadth away. Tenn can smell the alcohol on his breath, faintly. It should disgust him. It does disgust him.

He can’t answer. There’s nothing in his mind except overpowering, twisted desire, and he won’t acknowledge it. He didn’t lose control, he never had it in the first place. That person - his past self would have known better. Kujou Tenn is always in control, never off balance, never bent to the will of another. Nanase Tenn was like that too - except when it came to Riku.

His brother smiles at him sadly. “How come you never tell me?” he asks. He doesn’t wait for an answer. “Even like this, you never tell me why.”

Tenn can’t look away from him. His mouth is dry. “Tell you what?”

“Why you left me,” Riku says. His voice is almost a whisper, he’s so _close_. “Why you abandoned us. If it’s a dream, you can just tell me, you know...I won’t remember it when I wake up.”

Tenn’s heart is in his throat. “I’m not going to tell you if you’ll just forget it,” he manages. Even to his own ears, his voice is weak. Unconvincing.

Riku’s hand is on his neck again. His thumb grazes over Tenn’s jaw. The smell of beer is getting stronger - their noses brush, and only when Riku’s mouth bumps against his does he crash back down to earth and plant his hands against his brother’s chest.

His palms are sweaty, clammy against the warmth seeping through Riku’s tank. Riku licks his lips, and Tenn feels the swipe of his tongue like an electric shock. Every cell in his body is shaking with longing, but they can’t - he _can’t_ \- 

“No fair,” Riku breathes, nuzzling his nose against Tenn’s. “You always let me have my way in dreams....this is too cruel, Tenn-nii.”

“Riku, we can’t,” Tenn tells him. His voice is so choked it sounds alien to him. “You - you’re drunk, you don’t know what you’re doing.”

Riku sighs out again and then drops his head down to Tenn’s shoulder, pressing his forehead against the skin of Tenn’s neck. “Not fair,” he mumbles again. “Adults lied to me. Drinking isn’t fun at all.”

Tenn wants to push him off. Wants to push him _down_.

He settles for placing one hand on the bed, and bringing the other one up to cradle the back of his brother’s head. “You should rest,” he hears himself say. “You’ll feel better when you do.”

Riku shakes his head obstinately, burrowing further into the crook of Tenn’s neck. “How come after all these years I still want you so much, Tenn-nii? How come I still need you?” He’s nearly whimpering, breathing wet words into Tenn’s collar that feel like pins piercing at his flesh. “Even though you don’t need more anymore, or our family...I still…”

“That’s not true,” Tenn tells him. His fingers comb through Riku’s hair, against his own will. It’s just as soft as he remembers, though it’s no longer wispy at the ends like it was when they were young. “I don’t...I never stopped caring for you, Riku.”

“Liar,” Riku says, and it sounds just like the voice in his head. Tenn reels at the thought. “You never came to see me when I was in the hospital, even though I asked for you _over_ and _over_ and _over_ again.”

Tenn is not going to cry. Even if his heart shatters, he won’t cry. He didn’t cry before, and he won’t cry now.

“I couldn’t,” he says quickly, before Riku can get more worked up. “I don’t expect you to understand, but I couldn’t.”

Riku’s fingers dig into his shirt, into his soul.

It has to be retribution, he thinks. These feelings, this hunger, this wretchedness that’s wracking his entire body with grief. It’s his punishment for leaving his brother, for breaking his other half’s heart and never bothering to mend it. It explains everything - of course karma would rebound on him like this, saddling him with a desire he can never allow himself to feel. Splitting his heart in half once wasn’t enough, of course it wasn’t. But it’s fine - he doesn’t need his heart to be in one piece. He has no use for it; it always belonged to Riku anyways.

“Tenn-nii,” Riku says plaintively. His head is heavy on Tenn’s shoulder. “I’m sleepy.”

Tenn feels another surge of affection, this one almost wholly brotherly. “Let’s get you into bed,” he says. He feels drained, half-drowned. It’s been so long since he’s been around Riku, it’s like a shock to his system. _Maybe that’s all this is_ , he thinks transiently. Maybe he’s just being sentimental.

Riku stirs against him, and his thoughts muddle. Sentiment. Karma. Maybe he’s the one dreaming. Maybe his past self knew he had to leave, because it would end up like this if he didn’t.

“Come on.” He holds Riku gently by the shoulder and settles himself backwards, creating space between their bodies again. Ignores the protest in his mind, suppresses it, even as the tips of his fingers curl into his brother’s heated skin.

He realizes his mistake too late. Riku’s leaning in again, but this time his eyes are open, and Tenn is utterly trapped by his gaze. The gravity that pulls him towards Riku, that pulls everyone towards Riku, the physical, inescapable force he had to change his name to get away from has him pinned in place, leaning in as well, all thoughts forced from his mind except the roar of need, desperate, thrumming through his bloodstream and narrowing his vision until everything is Riku: Riku’s skin, Riku’s eyes, Riku’s lips, parting, Riku’s breath, sighing out into his mouth, invading into his lungs, spreading through his veins and obliterating the last vestiges of his resolve.

Their lips touch. Riku presses forward, kissing him in earnest, and Tenn has no strength left to deny him.

Someone knocks on the door. “Tenten! Here, kitty kitty!”

It breaks the spell like a bucket of ice water. They jerk back from each other, Tenn jumps to his feet and almost stumbles when the sudden movement makes all the blood rush out of his head. Riku looks alarmed, and confused. “Tenn-nii? Who - ”

“Tenten! There’s milk, come and get it!”

Tenn can’t bring himself to feel irritated at the sound of the younger Izumi brother’s voice, or at the sight of his face when he opens the door. His mind is racing too fast to feel anything.

“Kujou-san? What - Nanase-san!” Iori’s expression darkens, and he points at Tenn accusingly. “What have you done to our Nanase?”

Cold dread pierces through Tenn’s gut like a lance - does he _know_? - before he realizes that Iori is looking at the discarded beer cans on the floor.

“What have _I_ done?” he retorts. His mouth is on autopilot, he hardly knows what he’s saying, but lying like this is effortless to him. “You’re the ones that let him get drunk while underage, shouldn’t I be the one asking that question?”

Iori gapes. “Nanase-san is _drunk_?”

“Oh, so you didn’t even know he was drinking? Is this how you take care of my brother? No wonder he’s had so many attacks lately,” Tenn says contemptuously. Dimly, he’s astounded at his own nerve.

Iori seems to feel similarly. He gives Tenn an incredulous look and says, “All due respect, Kujou-san, I don’t really think you’re in a position to be saying that.”

“Iori!” Riku cries, jumping up from his bed. His cheeks are still flushed, Tenn notices, and he shoots a nervous look at Tenn that he feels like a punch to the chest. “Look, Tenn-nii came to visit me! He’s being cruel, though...he won’t tell me what I want to know…”

“Nanase-san, I’ll deal with you shortly,” Iori replies curtly. He turns back to Tenn. “Well? Why are you here, if all you’re going to do is torment him?”

“Iorin!” Yotsuba appears next to the doorway. “There’s an emergency!”

“What emergency,” Iori says. “Also, I thought you said there was a cat - ”

“My pudding is gone!” Yotsuba wails. “Someone took it - - hey, why does Rikkun get to drink? He’s the same age as me, you always say I can’t have any!”

“You can’t,” Iori replies, exasperated. “Nanase-san can’t either, he’ll definitely be punished for this.”

“Not tonight he won’t,” Yotsuba says bluntly. “Everyone else is wasted. They’re all in the living room, I can’t understand what half of them are saying. Anyways, did you hear what I said about my pudding?” He seems to notice Tenn for the first time. “Tenten, did you see anyone take my pudding?”

“Please don’t call me that,” Tenn says automatically. “Actually, I’m trying to have a conversation with Riku, so if you all wouldn’t mind - ”

Riku is suddenly at his side, clinging to his arm with both hands. Tenn feels dread wash over him again.

“What kind of conversation?” Iori asks. Tenn glances at him warily.

“Top secret,” Riku says. “Guys, leave us alone, I want to talk to Tenn-nii - ”

“Actually,” Tenn interjects. He extracts his arm from Riku’s grip and steps away from him, a motion that chips off a small piece of his heart. His skin is hot where Riku touched him. He can still taste him, inside his mouth. “I’m just going to leave. I don’t see us having a valuable dialogue when you’re like this, Riku. It doesn’t exactly inspire confidence.”

The look on Riku’s face shatters him, turns every nerve in his body cold. He’d prepared for it, but it leaves him wide-open and winded all the same, and it’s a good thing everyone is either drunk or distracted, because for a moment, he has no idea what kind of expression he’s wearing.

In the one or two seconds before he can compose himself, he locks eyes with Iori. Iori’s face flickers from anger, which he expected, to surprise, and then back to anger, but with something more akin to disappointment settling over it. Tenn fires right back him with all the imperiousness he can muster. Nothing Iori says to him now can cut him deeper than the haunted look in Riku’s eyes.

“Guys,” Yotsuba says, oblivious to the briefly tense atmosphere. “Tenten, help me find my pudding. I’m seriously gonna kill whoever took it.”

They all follow him out to the hallway, where things are chaotic and noisy. Gaku is making a fool of himself in his soba deliveryman getup, and Ryuu is singing with Nikaido, half in incomprehensible dialect, half incomprehensible slurring. Tenn takes it all in coolly, feeling the pieces of his heart settle. He knows Riku is still looking at him with that wounded look on his face. He should’ve known - would’ve known, before, that it was a bad idea to come here. He did know. He came anyways, because as much as he doesn’t want to be, Tenn is still that person, deep down.

But he’ll manage. He crushed his feelings before, cracked his heart in half before. He can bury that person again, bury him deeper, train himself not to feel anything when Riku calls his name, not to dream about the smell of his skin, the warmth of his embrace. Riku won’t remember this, and he’ll bury it, and no one will ever know.

He’ll master it. He has to, for Riku’s sake. For both their sakes. He’s Kujou Tenn, after all. Erasing his past is what he’s best at. He’ll suppress it all, box it up and seal it away, and never, ever, ever make another misstep like this again.

 _Liar_.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading guys <3


End file.
